Crash and Burn
by Y2Becky
Summary: AJ McLean is a successful singer, and a member of the infamous Backstreet, but old memories and events come to haunt him one night, and he goes to see one person who can mend his heart


"Let me be the one you call. If you jump, I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone."

-o- Platonic. Brotherly. Best Friends -o-

"Where the hell do you get off saying that?" AJ demanded heatedly. Both Howie and Brian looked up at the sound of AJ's voice. The group had finally made it back to the studio after a short vacation. It had been awhile since the Boys had been in the studio.

With good reason too- the tension in the room was almost painful. Nick and AJ sat on one side of the studio space, messing around with Nick's laptop, while Brian and Howie sat on the other side of the room, and seemed to be looking at the lyrics to demo songs.

Nick was surfing around on Live Journal, and came across a post having to do with a very short interview with Brian, and his reaction to the recent problems with AJ and himself. Nick, of course, then felt inclined to show AJ the clip as well.

"Huh?" Brian asked, looking at his band mate strangely. "Wha…what are you talking about?"

AJ's eyes narrowed. "This interview. You. Airport. You being one arrogant prick."

Brian rolled his eyes. "Oh. That. It was nothing." he said, waving his hand dismissively.

"Nothing? You're joking, right?"

"Will you chill out? It's nothing to get worked up over, jeez."

"No, Bri, man, that was pretty fucked up." Nick put in. "I mean, who are you to say whether we can be backstreet boys or not?"

Brian sighed deeply and started rubbing his temples. "Could you two drop it?" he snapped, starting to feel backed into a corner. The last thing he wanted was to be bitched at about his honest feelings.

"Do you have any idea how full of it you sound?" AJ went on, ignoring Brian's plea to end it.

"Not everyone is like you, not everyone has everything going perfect for them. Not everyone has the perfect, happy little fucking family you have!" AJ ranted, getting right into Brian's face. "You and your perfectly little son, your perfect fucking wife, your perfect fucking family, right?" AJ spat the last part, with an evident distaste.

"You leave my family out of this!" Brian yelled, standing up and getting up in AJ's face.

AJ folded his arms. "Then, don't bring them into it."

Brian shut his eyes. He didn't want to deal with this. Not again. He didn't want to hear the accusing or the yelling. He didn't want to look into the chocolate pools that hid so much pain and regret, and for right now, momentarily sober. He just couldn't take it. Visions of past times played like movies on this eye lids. The fighting, the screaming, the empty bottles of Jack Dainels that were hidden in AJ's suitcase.

Brian could clearly see a door breaking down, he could hear more angry screaming. And then…

Crying.

"It figures you have nothing to say to that."

Brian's eyes flew open to see AJ. He was leaning against a chair, looking at Brian intently with an almost smug look painted on his face. Brain felt his throat constrict, his anger building up and burning his insides.

"If you're done bitching at me," Brian started, heatedly, "and blaming me for your shit, maybe you could explain to me who the hell do you think you are?"

AJ looked mildly startled at the older man. Brian's voice had gotten deeper and rougher because of the apparent anger he was feeling. Not just that, but Brian's voice was tinged with another unidentifiable emotion.

"We have no reason to even be having this conversation." Howie put in. He had been quietly watching the disagreement, making sure he didn't need to settle the two singers.

"AJ, how many times have you told interviewers that you have no reason to even go back to your previous habits?" Howie went on. "You lied to us."

"You don't understand how hard it is for me." AJ lamented. "You can't even fathom it. How fucked up is it that I can't even have a drink with my friends without losing myself?"

"I don't want to hear that, Alex!" Brian interrupted. "I don't care, you still don't have a reason for this. If you're hurting then you need to damn well say something!"

When AJ didn't make a move to lash back, Brian went on. "I hate seeing you like this. I know that you're better than this snapping, defensive person that's glaring at me right now. I know you're stronger than this."

"You sound like my fucking AA counselor." AJ muttered weakly.

"Maybe you should listen to him instead of whining about how unfortunate you are." Brian spat. "You are just so lucky sometimes. You have all of us behind you, you can talk to a counselor, you can go back to rehab if you want! You have all of those options. That's ten times more than most people have."

AJ gritted his teeth at Brian's harsh, but truthful words.

"You don't understand." AJ said again. He didn't want to talk anymore. He honestly just wanted to be alone, but most of all he wanted to get rid of the horrible aching feeling in this throat.

He knew he could go to any of the guys with his problems and they'd listen, no questions asked, complete with a shoulder to cry on and advice. As good as that could be, it's not what he really needed this time. He needed someone to scream at, and have them scream back at him with as much aggression. He wanted a pillar to cry on, someone strong that could hold him, and comfort him. But most of all he wanted a wake up call that would help him.

As a group, the guys could eventually do that, but it wouldn't be enough. His mother could wake him up with a few smacks, but then she would baby him, and he really didn't need that right now.

"AJ?" Brian said, waving his hand in front of AJ's zoned out face. "You better not be high."

AJ blinked, letting his brain come back into focus. "Jesus Christ." He snapped. "No, I'm not high, you prick."

Brian rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should just go… until you can sort yourself out or something."

"Brian!" Nick exclaimed, wonder what Brian's problem was. He was rarely ever this harsh. Nick whirled around to face AJ. "It's not that he wants you to leave, Jay. He's just trying to help- We all are!"

"Don't put words in my mouth." Brian said easily. "Having you here would be counterproductive, and we really need to get some work done."

Howie jumped in, seeing AJ's features darkening. "Look, we do want you here, but we want you at one hundred percent." Howie looked as though he was pleading with AJ to understand their motives, and not to be upset.

AJ wrapped his arms around himself, almost shielding himself. He felt raw, as though his skin had been peeled off and was leaving him completely naked.

"Alright." AJ said quietly. "I'll leave."

Brian's eyes widened. He hadn't seen AJ look so sad, so dejected, so lost in a long time. "AJ… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

AJ held up his hand. "Save it." he picked up his jacket off a rolling chair, and pulled it on before checking his back pocket for his keys and wallet. He gave the rest of the boys a little wave before leaving the room.

AJ's mind was a cloudy haze. He wasn't thinking in the least He just had a single want in mind. Comfort.

He drove off, his tires peeling in the studio parking lot. He was unknowingly heading in one direction, knowing what he wanted, what he really needed at that very moment. AJ's throat was aching and he couldn't swallow as well as he would have liked to. He couldn't stop rubbing his eyes raw, and he noticed the telltale signs of eye rubbing in the review mirror. His usually sparking cola colored eyes were red, puffy and watering.

Before he knew it, he had pulled into a familiar driveway. He cut the engine and walked up to the cherry wood door and knocked hard. Anxiousness over took him as he waited for an answer. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and began shifting back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Finally, the door swung open, and AJ smiled nervously.

Kevin, on the other hand, did not look amused. His green eyes were as bright as ever, and AJ could see the disappointment as well. But he didn't see judgment in Kevin's eyes. There was instead kindness glowing there.

Kevin folded his arms, staring AJ down with the same all seeing eyes that AJ knew could see right through his every lie.

"I can't say I'm happy with you right now. I'm pretty pissed off, to be honest."

AJ flinched and his shoulders dropped. Kevin's voice was as deep as always, and still has that commanding presences.

"AJ you know you're better than this."

AJ nodded slowly. He knew this was going to hurt before it started to feel better.

"You're an idiot." Kevin spat.

"And you're an asshole." AJ snapped back, without fire.

"Maybe. But at least I'm sure of myself." Kevin snapped. "I don't believe you. You know your triggers, you know when you need to bail, and you know when you're depressed. You know."

AJ nodded again and pulled his lower lip in his mouth and began to chew on it nervously. He looked back up at Kevin expecting a real tongue lashing.

Kevin's face instead softened. "Just… c'mere." He said, stepping forward and pulling the younger man into his arms.

His embrace was solid, secure, and made AJ feel perfectly safe. He felt that familiar feeling- that Kevin was his older brother, his safe place where nothing could hurt him.

AJ clung to Kevin like a lifeline, burring his face in Kevin's sweater covered shoulder. Even at their ages, Kevin was still a giant to the younger man. AJ felt his throat clenching and unclenching. He swallowed hard.

Kevin could feel AJ tensing up, and he frowned. He needed AJ to relax for his words to get through. He reached up and ran his fingers through AJ's soft dark curls, trying to coax him into relaxing. It only took a moment, but AJ's shoulders relaxed and his death grip on Kevin's middle became slackened.

"You screwed up, Aje. And you don't' have to beat yourself up anymore. It's not okay, but you're trying."

AJ nodded, and rubbed his face into Kevin's shoulder, alerting the older man that he was crying, if the telltale wetness was anything to go by.

"Everyone screws up, but we live and learn to fix it. The thing with this is you can't let it happen again. I don't want to let you lose yourself. And I'm not gonna let you fall again- I'm not gonna lose you again if I can help it."

AJ kept nodding and let his tears flow freely. The trust he and Kevin had built throughout the years was the reason he would allow himself to fall apart. That warm embrace that kept him steady as he broke down. That strong presence that could save him from himself.

"I won't let you go, Alex." Kevin whispered, resting his cheek atop AJ's head.

"Thank you…" AJ whispered back, tightening his grip around Kevin.

-o-

It was a long while before AJ let go and silently followed Kevin inside. For the most part, AJ remained quiet, and spoke only he needed to answer. After three cups of coffee, and agreeing to speak wit the rest of the boys later, AJ fell asleep, with Kevin's soothing touch on his back lulling him away peacefully.

When you feel all alone, and the world has turned it's back on you. Give me a moment please, to tame your wild wild heart. Let me be the one you call. If you jump, I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.

~End.


End file.
